TRANSITIONING CHANGES: Transsexual Woman 2 Months on HRT

Read at your own risk of TMI.

 

Transitioning: 2 Months on HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) as of the beginning of November 2011. Started at the beginning of September.

 

1. Change in production of well… you know… *whispers* “down there”.

 

2. I always had prominant nipples sticking out (areolas and nipples but not separately identified but just a peak) but now nipples are starting to get really sore the last few weeks with tougher tissue growth behind them which is probably the ducts forming on the inside. Bumps probably just the body developing are now lessening with just MORE growth outward (from what I already had), ducts (pores) leading to the nipple in the center were obvious within this past month. In otherwords where the where milk comes out. The Areola and the Nipple itself are beginning to be oviously different from each other… not drastic but I can see how the skin is spiraling/shaping differently. Diffinitely a center duck/pore now… a couple to a few on either side.

 

3. Breasts in general… well getting bigger.

 

4. Skin softer already…. so I wonder what it will become.

 

5. Hair on body growing slower… not extremly but somewhat.

 

6. Hair on head is thicker at the roots.

 

7. More hips. Fat shifting to hips making them bigger… and waist line appears smaller. Butt nice as always… if not even better. 😉

 

8. Loss of muscle mass on shoulders… I noticed that most recent in the last couple of days. My Trapezius which is a muscle connecting from the end of the shoulder blades (shoulders) to neck and then down part the middle of your back… has lost muscle mass. Meaning in short and in English my shoulders and center back muscle has shrunk. My shoulders are more boney. 

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Sex Education and Children

When I was younger than 10 I was having a gender identity crisis and I was attracted to male and female individuals. I even experimented as a child. So children younger than 10 need to be educated at least on non-heterosexuality and transgender/transsexuality. I knew I wasn’t straight and I knew something with gender just wasn’t right. I wish I had people to educate me back then. I think we owe it to children to educate them on the diversity of sexuality, gender expression, and identity. They shouldn’t have to go through the years of depression I went through thinking that there is/was something wrong with them/me. They are beautiful and should know.

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Cuts & Burns

Having to shave every day and shave so close that I can actually wear a nice layer of make-up…. this is what we go through to be ourselves.

Why? Because I’d hate it worse if I didn’t do this.

My face is cut, burned, and bleeding from having to shave so close… and I have some acne. But I’d rather be a woman.

When I can… the facial hair will be removed.

If you date me or even care to try and understand Transsexual Women this is what you’ll encounter… these are the facts… this is my body right now. This will change.

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A sad child.

Shula and I were in a predominantly “women’s” store the other day and a multi-generational family came in. A grandmother, mother, and son. The little boy was looking over the jewelry and wanted some. The grandmother and mother’s response was, “That’s girl things honey you don’t wear that.” That little “boy” had previously walked right up to Shulamit and I and just looked at us. And he turned and looked at me when they told him no. Is he really a she? Is he gay? Is he just into feminine things? I don’t know. But I think s/he wanted to tell us something that day.

I’ll be happy when the day comes that parents will raise their children wearing modest clothes that represent who that child wants to be.

My children no matter their genitalia will wear the clothes and accessories they desire within modesty.

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Girls are Not always Ladies (and) Being a Sister to a Brother with Brotherly Love

I’ve noticed that some guys expect me to be extra feminine. I am a girl/woman who happens to be in touch with her masculine side from time to time. And that doesn’t mean I’m just playing around with gender. This is me… take it or leave it. Girls aren’t always ladies. I grew up with an older brother and as we know I was brought up to be a man. It was okay to be sensitive they always told me. But for me obviously it went deeper than that so now I’m transitioning. Growing up with an older brother I was surrounded a lot by football, video games, legos, cars, action figures etc. I LOVED legos, cars, and action figures… half cared for video games… and didn’t care for football. I think honestly things got broke in the house cause I didn’t care where the ball was going all the time because I didn’t really care to be throwing it. My brother and I would wrestle a lot… which was fun exercise honestly but I would get so angry and wild and turn into a cat like creature with claws or something and he would wind up bleeding. I don’t regret that that is how I grew up… I love my brother and I was at least a brother in some way to him growing up. I honestly feel though that most of that was still a part of me in some way…. just my majority of me was oppressed. I would find dolls that my great aunt had and I would play with the little furniture too. Whenever my cousins would visit I’d play with their dolls. I was so excited to do that!!! I enjoyed changing barbies clothes the most, heels and all. I still liked playing in the mud and sand… I found myself making mud pies and drawing on the outdoor furniture to make what could look like an oven. I’d plant flowers and climb trees and LOVE it. I even loved to swim and still do. The thing was I never liked going shirtless once I hit puberty. I didn’t want people seeing my chest. Partly because it never was very guy-ish in the first place and because they are nipples… I mean I just don’t feel right showing them. Now I know why I guess. I enjoy my time with my brother when we can talk about girls, life, spirituality, and whatever we can. I’m not always fully in the conversation I don’t think though. I don’t know what that is… maybe it’s because it’s the past. I think I would enjoy time with my brother outside of where he lives. I think any of my family I would enjoy more away from where I grew up. Too much past and not enough of them being in my present and future.

I want to continue my somewhat butch friendship with my brother…. it’s brother-like but at the same time it’s hard to even be that when I don’t feel me as a woman is accepted enough. Once all of me is accepted it’s easier to express myself.

I love climbing and hiking the mountains with my brother some and I do that for a couple days each year together. And I want to still do that… but I want to do it as a girl. I did last year. But I want to know how to do this stuff and still be kind of girly. Like be a *punch the brother slightly in the shoulder* type of girl and say “what’s up bro?” I mean I can do that… but it’s not something I can do often. It’s just not me most of the time. I only feel comfortable expressing that aspect of myself when my womanhood is accepted.

Driving home tonight from Temple I sat like a dude in the car most of the way… but would be miserable in guy clothes and what some people would see as a dude. I’m a girl….

Don’t say I am a man, don’t say I’m not a man, don’t say I’m not a woman… just say “She’s a woman.”

I’m not always going to be a “lady” I can’t. That’s just not me. But I can’t be a full “brother”… But I can be a sister who understands where a brother is coming from and can connect similarly to a brother. I mean my brother and I can talk about chicks at least. *laughs*

(Nothing brought this on tonight other than some music that reminded me of my brother.)

I like all sorts of people, but I’ve noticed… I’m comfortable with expressing all of me around masculine women who can express their feminine side or feminine women that are comfortable expressing their masculine side. I think it’s awesome!!! It’s kind of who I am anyway. Of course I like guys and girls but I’m talking about who I’m more alike.

Self-discovery is an amazing thing.

I want to climb a tree.

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Hadassah “Gives’em Hope”

To summarize my own story using the Afterword I wrote and sharing more words on how I’ve pulled through and come out of the closet I hope to give hope to LGBT-APIQ individuals. They should know that they are valid not only to others but mainly to themselves and that higher self-esteem is the key.

I created this video as part of the “Give ‘Em Hope” Initiative Campaign started by David E. Watters with NBI Associates (UK).

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What’s my “sexual” orientation if I date a Transsexual?

People are attracted to gender expression first and foremost before knowing the “sex” of a person. My gender is Female my sex is Transsexual. People that are attracted to me are first and foremost attracted to my gender identity as Female and some to me being Transsexual. But gender comes first. Now if someone identifies as male and is attracted to my gender as female then he is expressing a hetero-gender orientation. If the organs are two penii that may create a sense of homosexuality BUT if the people identify as both being opposite genders then it’s best to just understand that there is a hetero attraction there. It’s the gender identity that counts the most not the sexual organs. Maybe a safe term for that person is heteroflexible but that’s just another label to add to the mix of so many. Maybe it can work, maybe not… but it is used. For the sack of simplicity… the couple would be a straight couple.

Now from the other perspective a person who identifies as gender Female and another person as gender Female and one of the partners is Transsexual it is best to understand that this is still a Homo-gender, Gay/Lesbian relationship.

Not all Transsexual people have Sexual Reassignment Surgery because either they are comfortable with the organs they have, that can’t afford it, or technology is advanced enough yet. For these people sense we honestly do not look between people’s legs on a regular basis and we shouldn’t unless they are our partner or experimenting… then it is best to understand the gender attraction over the sexual organ attraction.

Transsexual Female + Female = Lesbian couple ~ Homo

Transsexual Female + Male = Straight couple – Hetero

Transsexual Male + Male = Gay couple ~ Homo

Transsexual Male + Female = Straight couple – Hetero

Also take into account that any one of these partners could be Bisexual, Pansexual, or Asexual… and maybe identify as gender Gender-Neutral. But these are the basics.

In addition:

Transsexual Male + Transsexual Male = Gay couple ~ Homo

Transsexual Female + Transsexual Female = Lesbian couple ~ Homo

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High Anxiety & Family Acceptance Issues (Additional personal letter to My Family).

High Anxiety
My immediate family including myself… all have High Anxiety. My dad is in denial about it and my mother and brother take meds for it. I don’t take anything for it nor do I deny it… YET I’ve found ways to survive, move forward, conquer, preserve, and achieve some major goals… and I’ve got more to come. I wish they would do more of the same. What good are meds if you aren’t learning? I’m learning without them.

I had high anxiety just typing this note.

Family Acceptance Issues
I have less and less in-common with my family because they aren’t moving forward. It’s very sad… and angers me too. But it’s up to them now to make more of an effort. What, do I need to shout who I am for them to get it? It’s been a year in April. My ima is accepting so I know she is trying really hard. I know my brother has talked with me a lot and even stood up for me with other members of the family but…

My life moves fast and I’ve changed for the better. They really need to come out of their depression and move forward beyond their anxiety if they want to continue a positive relationship with me. My life is moving…. theirs isn’t. They need to accept this is me. I’m starting to feel really distance. I reach out and want to include them but my dad says next to nothing to me and my brother is in denial.

A letter to my family:

Maybe it’s time you communicate a little more and that everyone comes to the realization that the “David” that you knew, just as “David”, never existed. That was only one part of who I am. My name is Hadassah Davette Gavri’el Chayim. I’m not crazy, not insane, nor on puppet strings. You can’t honestly believe that I am “acting” when I am living 24/7 as a woman, going to an Endocrinologist, AND above all else I will have my testicles removed and my penis shaped into a vagina. I will one day have MAJOR surgery. This is very important to me and it’s about time that ALL of you step into reality and out of 1129. THIS IS happening. I don’t just enjoy wearing women’s clothes, I am a woman. Would you like to get to know me? Will you make the effort to get to know ME, a woman… your daughter and sister? I know parents (dad) you thought you had a second son and I know brother you thought you had a younger brother, but a sister can only be so much of a “brother” and a daughter can only be so much of a “son”. This is real, this is me. Thank you for the effort so far… but you are going to try a lot harder.

A Rule for my life: If any of you say “he” or “David” or anything male talking to me about me or about me to others I will not respond. That person doesn’t exist.

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I will only go by Transsexual. Do you prefer the term Transgender or Transsexual, both/neither?

Sunday, 27 March 2011 at 03:54

Since people don’t seem to understand that Transgender really means transitioning or maybe has transitioned… maybe I will just start referring to myself as Transsexual. I hear/read people saying Transgender and they mean transsexuals, crossdressers, drag queens, shemales, and transvestites.

I’m NOT a crossdresser, shemale, drag queen, or transvestite.

I am TRANSSEXUAL.

Crossdressers, shemales, drag queens, and transvestites can have their own g.d. category.

I am Transsexual.

I do not wear women’s clothes for “the hell of it” or because I “get off” on it. I wear them because it’s MY LIFE. I AM a WOMAN.

Side Note: Some Transsexual Women perform as drag queens but that’s a whole other cup of tea they are entitled to drinking. I was inspired by drag queens to make a move towards expressing my femininity. But being a drag queen isn’t me. My “philosophy” is this: If I perform in drag it will be as a drag king because I’m a woman and a woman normally performs as a king. Again each Transsexual is entitled to do what they like, it’s just not my thing. And one last thing, very few Trans-Individuals would say this but they call themselves Transgender so not to confuse others into thinking “Transsexual” is a sexuality… because really it’s a gender identity. I understand that but that’s not what I’m trying to express in this blog.

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Gender, Science, and Spirituality

Monday, 07 February 2011 at 01:40

I feel that science proves a lot of who we are but I do not feel it really covers everything. At what moment does a TransWoman, for example, realize she is a Woman? Studies have been done proving that some Gay Men and some Transgender Women both have female brains… but yet some are perfectly happy being men while others are not… such as myself. At what moment does a person know they just are NOT the physical gender they were born into? For me this is where my soul and spirit come in. I am Female and my mind leans more towards the female perspective while some gay men do as well… I’m a woman and they aren’t. No matter what my chemicals are… I identify as female and those certain gay men do not. As gender-less as a spirit may be, my spirit identifies more as female and that’s something science can’t explain. This is where my spirit says I’m happy, fulfilled, confident, and independent, and free to live as who I want to be. Spirituality and Sexuality are both very important parts of my life providing both moral values and a stability that I very much appreciate and want in my life.

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