I’ve noticed that some guys expect me to be extra feminine. I am a girl/woman who happens to be in touch with her masculine side from time to time. And that doesn’t mean I’m just playing around with gender. This is me… take it or leave it. Girls aren’t always ladies. I grew up with an older brother and as we know I was brought up to be a man. It was okay to be sensitive they always told me. But for me obviously it went deeper than that so now I’m transitioning. Growing up with an older brother I was surrounded a lot by football, video games, legos, cars, action figures etc. I LOVED legos, cars, and action figures… half cared for video games… and didn’t care for football. I think honestly things got broke in the house cause I didn’t care where the ball was going all the time because I didn’t really care to be throwing it. My brother and I would wrestle a lot… which was fun exercise honestly but I would get so angry and wild and turn into a cat like creature with claws or something and he would wind up bleeding. I don’t regret that that is how I grew up… I love my brother and I was at least a brother in some way to him growing up. I honestly feel though that most of that was still a part of me in some way…. just my majority of me was oppressed. I would find dolls that my great aunt had and I would play with the little furniture too. Whenever my cousins would visit I’d play with their dolls. I was so excited to do that!!! I enjoyed changing barbies clothes the most, heels and all. I still liked playing in the mud and sand… I found myself making mud pies and drawing on the outdoor furniture to make what could look like an oven. I’d plant flowers and climb trees and LOVE it. I even loved to swim and still do. The thing was I never liked going shirtless once I hit puberty. I didn’t want people seeing my chest. Partly because it never was very guy-ish in the first place and because they are nipples… I mean I just don’t feel right showing them. Now I know why I guess. I enjoy my time with my brother when we can talk about girls, life, spirituality, and whatever we can. I’m not always fully in the conversation I don’t think though. I don’t know what that is… maybe it’s because it’s the past. I think I would enjoy time with my brother outside of where he lives. I think any of my family I would enjoy more away from where I grew up. Too much past and not enough of them being in my present and future.
I want to continue my somewhat butch friendship with my brother…. it’s brother-like but at the same time it’s hard to even be that when I don’t feel me as a woman is accepted enough. Once all of me is accepted it’s easier to express myself.
I love climbing and hiking the mountains with my brother some and I do that for a couple days each year together. And I want to still do that… but I want to do it as a girl. I did last year. But I want to know how to do this stuff and still be kind of girly. Like be a *punch the brother slightly in the shoulder* type of girl and say “what’s up bro?” I mean I can do that… but it’s not something I can do often. It’s just not me most of the time. I only feel comfortable expressing that aspect of myself when my womanhood is accepted.
Driving home tonight from Temple I sat like a dude in the car most of the way… but would be miserable in guy clothes and what some people would see as a dude. I’m a girl….
Don’t say I am a man, don’t say I’m not a man, don’t say I’m not a woman… just say “She’s a woman.”
I’m not always going to be a “lady” I can’t. That’s just not me. But I can’t be a full “brother”… But I can be a sister who understands where a brother is coming from and can connect similarly to a brother. I mean my brother and I can talk about chicks at least. *laughs*
(Nothing brought this on tonight other than some music that reminded me of my brother.)
I like all sorts of people, but I’ve noticed… I’m comfortable with expressing all of me around masculine women who can express their feminine side or feminine women that are comfortable expressing their masculine side. I think it’s awesome!!! It’s kind of who I am anyway. Of course I like guys and girls but I’m talking about who I’m more alike.
Self-discovery is an amazing thing.
I want to climb a tree.
It's a Girl 